~~ Don't speak about it...Be about it~~

Worst

2009-12-16T20:29:26Z

Feeling fat sucks. It's the worst...

Quarter life crisis... Core engaged

2009-12-11T16:08:31Z

I'm beginning to learn that life is a strange and beautiful thing. I feel as though, at 24 years old I have a solid hold on who I am as a person. I can say this because as life goes nuts around me, I still feel a core presence. Sure there is disorientation on my part, dizziness perhaps, but in the end I am able to center myself, see my current location in the matter, and adjust accordingly. It is definitely hard to do sometimes, but it is important to remind yourself that you are only capable of doing so much in a given situation, and the rest is out of your hands. Even if you past actions have put you in your current state, those are in the past and breaking your habits is vital to forward motion.

I also have been considering a variety of perspectives on life. Rather, I am becoming aware that other perspectives exist. As humans I think we believe our experience to be universal, but I think that the world looks and feels different from every single person’s eyes. Life is a rich and varied experience, unique to every individual. In this way, I have come to be more considerate to those with perspectives I have a hard time imagining or understanding. Usually I find myself pretty capable of at least partially understanding someone's perspective, regardless of my own. There is always a reason, and experience or series of, that have shaped a person into the individual they are today. And everyone's story is relevant, because everyone is capable of transcending their current state, if they recognize their potential to do so.

Right now my greatest fear in life is loss of life. As I grow, I feel as though my experience of life gets richer and richer. But then I fear aging, losing my youth, and eventually having my life end. However, I am coming to realize that the beauty of the life experience does not end when we reach a certain age; rather there are different changes, maturations, and experiences relevant to each age. In this way our entire lives we are in the process of growth, if we chose to grow instead of admitting defeat. It makes me understand my parents more, and feel nothing but happiness for them because after raising 2 children, they have returned to enjoying their lives together.

They say that people judge how “good” their lives were by feelings of satisfaction and sense of control. People will judge their lives as “good” if they feel they have chosen correctly and accomplished things they set out to. This is a highly subjective opinion, unique to everyone and impossible to standardize. In this way, I feel as though I owe it to myself to live my life every single day. I understand the phrase “Live like you were dying” in a way I never have. People always say that life passes by us so quickly. I’m taking their advice. If I want to do something, I’m going to do it. So often we push off until tomorrow things that we really want to experience, and put our social obligations first. I want to travel. I want to experience the world. Even if it’s somewhere I never thought I’d go, or really had an overwhelming interest in, nothing says that it won’t be the next best experience of my life. I will be drafting my Bucket List soon. The best decision to make in life is the one you can live with, so why wait until tomorrow?

It’s difficult to explain, and I’m not sure if it even makes sense, but this is my quarter life crisis. I can only imagine what’s to come, but for now, I am just riding the wave, core engaged.

msadams224 @ 2009-05-02T22:06:00

2009-05-03T02:06:36Z

My collection... YT video, MAC only collection, full collection...

MAC only first...

Full Collection...

Can Anybody Out There Hear Me...

2009-04-27T15:37:24Z

The past week or so has been really weird for me. I'm at that place again in life where I have decisions to make as the result of change. In my life I believe myself to be constantly changing... As well as the people around me. Things, people, places, ways of behaving that were previously comfortable norms start to feel like uncomfortable "what the heck am I doing" situations.

Normative behaiviors of who you were as week ago now feel all wrong for reasons that are unexplainable. For me personally it just makes me get quiet... inside and out. I do things that seem right but for whatever reason they're just not anymore. And they lose the appeal they once had.

I'm sure this is probably way abstract and perhaps this only happens in Melissa world but its a very strange feeling to have your norm feel wrong.I'm finding that I am going through the motions of before because I feel I should instead of trusting myself now (because at the current time I feel as if I don't really fit).

I'm trying to not get too withdrawn as a result of this but I feel like I need to get back to myself a bit. Start working out more and taking care of myself and let everything else fall in place around that.I need to go back to letting my heart dictate my actions and not the habits of a person who has changed on some level.

Its weird how changes in life seem to follow the seasons. Its strange... its like feeling lost at home. Doesn't quite make sense.

"It's a nice day for a...White Wedding"

2009-04-21T16:50:50Z

This is kind an odd thing for me to explain...

I love Mike with all of my heart, and yes everyone he is "the one" (as in the one I will spend the rest of my life with, not in a Neo-Matrix kind of way). But I have very odd feelings on marriage. Yes I would love to be married someday and have a life together...a home (hopefully 2 homes...one being somewhere warm :D) but as of right now I can say I do not feel ready for marriage.

Maybe it's weird, but I feel too young. It's like when I would look at college pamphlets and think that the people in them were so much older than me. I would like to go into a marriage when I feel I have something other than just myself to offer. Almost like I would consider marriage a business arrangement as well (because it is at this time when finances begin to merge and the 2 individuals equitably divide inevitable financial arrangements accordingly). In short, I don't plan to get into a marriage before I can pay for stuff. I'm at a point now where I can pay for my own stuff - but it's definitely not enough to have a household on. It's almost a respectful act to wait... it's like me saying to Mike "I don't want to be a freeloader and I will help support our lives together" when it ultimately happens.

I blame Facebook for this blog. LoL. It came up on my newsfeed that this girl I went to high school with got married... big white dress and all. It just made me feel strange. I don't think that I have something better than she does, because who's to tell and what does "better" really mean in this context. It's a very subjective matter. I kind of feel like I don't really have anything to prove... I respect marriage for what it is, but maybe I'm cynical or more critical of it than most. I dunno, I just don't think it's a decision to be taken lightly. You are making a promise to be with this person forever... and I don't like to go back on my promises.

This is another really odd perception that I have in my head as well... The title "wife" seems very heavy and binding to me. It almost has underlying negative connotations. Wife is usually viewed as boring, and like "the old ball and chain." I feel that my relationship is very fun... and that I'm not that negatively stereotyped (however unfairly) title of "wife." It's strange. I'm in no hurry to get older... I am enjoying my 20's. I have a wonderful man who loves me, have great fun with great friends, and am not encumbered by heavy financial responsibilities... what's the hurry to get older? I have a lot of life to live. In my late 20's/30's I can see being a wife (a break the stereotype kind). But we're so young right now, what's the hurry. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" and I am incredibly grateful for what I have... and will be forever, when the time is right.

But I definitely told him that "Even though I'm not really ready to get married... I will wear a really pretty ring any time you want!" :D

155 Bay-bee!!

2008-11-30T19:56:17Z

Today I am officially 155 pounds. Yes I've been there before, in fact I've been 3 pounds lighter...but it feels great to be here. I am so proud of myself and I feel like I actually look good. Stephanie is flying home to live for like 9 months on Dec. 24th. My goal is to be as thin as possible then. I'd love to make it to 145 but we'll just have to see where it goes. I CAN'T WAIT until the day I dip below 150 for the first time in my adult life...Just wanted to rejoice a little bit. It's not like to me openly celebrate my accomplishments, but GO ME!!! LoL I'm hot...which is something I don't think I've ever been before. Goodbye fat girl, hello slim and fit mamasita!

My Growing MAC Collection...

2008-03-28T15:57:48Z

MAC only first:

On the Way:

219 Brush

Violet Pigment
Pink Pearl Pigment
Accent Red Pigment

Shroom e/s
Swish e/s
Star Violet e/s
Little Minx e/s

2X15 Pan Pallet

Rubenesque p/p
Rollickin p/p
Bare Canvas Paint

Slimshine in Assertive
Ramblin Rose l/s
Pink Cabana l/s
Lollipop Lovin l/s

There might be more...lol I kind of went on a buying spree!

Now for the rest of my collection (including non-MAC):

Bed Head e/s = LOVE!

~*~ Don't speak about it...Be about it~*~