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The past week or so has been really weird for me. I'm at that place again in life where I have decisions to make as the result of change. In my life I believe myself to be constantly changing... As well as the people around me. Things, people, places, ways of behaving that were previously comfortable norms start to feel like uncomfortable "what the heck am I doing" situations.

Normative behaiviors of who you were as week ago now feel all wrong for reasons that are unexplainable. For me personally it just makes me get quiet... inside and out. I do things that seem right but for whatever reason they're just not anymore. And they lose the appeal they once had.

I'm sure this is probably way abstract and perhaps this only happens in Melissa world but its a very strange feeling to have your norm feel wrong.I'm finding that I am going through the motions of before because I feel I should instead of trusting myself now (because at the current time I feel as if I don't really fit).

I'm trying to not get too withdrawn as a result of this but I feel like I need to get back to myself a bit. Start working out more and taking care of myself and let everything else fall in place around that.I need to go back to letting my heart dictate my actions and not the habits of a person who has changed on some level.

Its weird how changes in life seem to follow the seasons. Its strange... its like feeling lost at home. Doesn't quite make sense.

This is kind an odd thing for me to explain...

I love Mike with all of my heart, and yes everyone he is "the one" (as in the one I will spend the rest of my life with, not in a Neo-Matrix kind of way). But I have very odd feelings on marriage. Yes I would love to be married someday and have a life together...a home (hopefully 2 homes...one being somewhere warm :D) but as of right now I can say I do not feel ready for marriage.

Maybe it's weird, but I feel too young. It's like when I would look at college pamphlets and think that the people in them were so much older than me. I would like to go into a marriage when I feel I have something other than just myself to offer. Almost like I would consider marriage a business arrangement as well (because it is at this time when finances begin to merge and the 2 individuals equitably divide inevitable financial arrangements accordingly). In short, I don't plan to get into a marriage before I can pay for stuff. I'm at a point now where I can pay for my own stuff - but it's definitely not enough to have a household on. It's almost a respectful act to wait... it's like me saying to Mike "I don't want to be a freeloader and I will help support our lives together" when it ultimately happens.

I blame Facebook for this blog. LoL. It came up on my newsfeed that this girl I went to high school with got married... big white dress and all. It just made me feel strange. I don't think that I have something better than she does, because who's to tell and what does "better" really mean in this context. It's a very subjective matter. I kind of feel like I don't really have anything to prove... I respect marriage for what it is, but maybe I'm cynical or more critical of it than most. I dunno, I just don't think it's a decision to be taken lightly. You are making a promise to be with this person forever... and I don't like to go back on my promises.

This is another really odd perception that I have in my head as well... The title "wife" seems very heavy and binding to me. It almost has underlying negative connotations. Wife is usually viewed as boring, and like "the old ball and chain." I feel that my relationship is very fun... and that I'm not that negatively stereotyped (however unfairly) title of "wife." It's strange. I'm in no hurry to get older... I am enjoying my 20's. I have a wonderful man who loves me, have great fun with great friends, and am not encumbered by heavy financial responsibilities... what's the hurry to get older? I have a lot of life to live. In my late 20's/30's I can see being a wife (a break the stereotype kind). But we're so young right now, what's the hurry. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" and I am incredibly grateful for what I have... and will be forever, when the time is right.

But I definitely told him that "Even though I'm not really ready to get married... I will wear a really pretty ring any time you want!" :D